Kurt's Harem
by Mya Uzo
Summary: Kurt's love life has always been a horrible failure until the transfer students came...now hes not sure whats going on and dammit he's tired of squeaking. Kurt/Harry/Gaara/Xander pairing. male harem crackfic
1. Chapter 1

Okay everybody my mind decided to come up with the weirdest crackfic idea ever and it will not go away. I hope you enjoy. I will try to keep this to a one-shot. Okay, I lied there is about an 80% chance there will be other chapters. I have so many ideas for this. Lol Kurt/harry/Gaara/xander pairing (yeah I went there)

Chapter 1

"Kurt! I'm so glad you're back. I missed you so much." Mercedes hugged Kurt. He hugged her back.

"Missed you too 'Cedes."

Kurt and Burt had been gone for three weeks on vacation. It had been in the middle of the school year, but Kurt had insisted that Burt needed a break after his heart attack. And not just sit on the couch in front of the TV.

"Boy you have missed _a lot_. Tell me why you couldn't have your phone again?"

"Dad kept trying to call the shop even though they were perfectly fine. I would rather sacrifice my phone for three weeks then let him drive himself and them nuts." Kurt grinned at his friend. Mercedes laughed.

"Well I have a lot to tell you. We've had three sets of transfer students."

"Three sets?"

"Yep, two boys from California, three from England, and another two from Japan."

Kurt gaped.

"Trust me. It gets better."

Mercedes proceeded to inform him about the males.

The boys from California were named Alexander Harris and Oz (last name unknown). Alexander, call me Xander, was tan, gorgeous, and could snark like the best of them. He was in with the sci-fi and comic book geeks and had joined the football team. Oz was short, blue haired (this week), quiet, played the guitar, and was cool.

"I'm gonna ask that boy to join glee. Lord knows we need the rep points."

The three from England were Harry Potter, Fred Weasley, and George Weasley. Harry was short, with dark hair and brilliant green eyes, well off and adorable. Fred and George were both red heads, twins, and drove the teachers batty with their inability to tell them apart. Harry had joined the cooking club after he had brought in a cake for a student's birthday. He had been politely asked to join (more like forced). Fred and George joined the drama club.

"That cake was to die for."

The last two from Japan were Naruto Uzumaki and Gaara Subaku. Naruto was tan with blonde hair, blue eyes and whisker marks on his cheeks. He was bright, excitable, ridiculously charismatic, and had joined the hockey team. Gaara had red hair, light teal eyes, and seemed like the dark emo type. He had been asked to join the drama club as well. Apparently, his very _being_ was created for dark dramatic rolls.

"That boy gives me the shivers and I'm still not sure if it's in a bad way or a good way."

"Do they all know each other?" Kurt asked.

"Believe it or not all of them transferring within the same week was a complete coincidence. I asked Harry and he said something about a dart, a map, and luck. Xander said intuition had him coming here. Naruto won some sort of bet with Gaara and they ended up here. They all get along pretty cool though. I guess they bonded over being the new students."

"Any romantic prospects?"

"Every girl either wants to jump them or have their babies. Santana wants Xander's babies."

"Santana's a lesbian and hates kids." Kurt raised an eyebrow.

"I know."

"Wow." Kurt whispered impressed.

"Who knows maybe you'll have a chance with one of these hotties." Mercedes winked.

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"I'm doomed to be alone forever. Don't you remember?"

Kurt fell for Finn. Finn led Kurt on and then hooked up with Quinn leaving Kurt heartbroken.

Kurt fell for puck. Puck cried on Kurt's freaking shoulder, told him all about the baby and Quinn, kissed Kurt, and then sung a song in glee for Quinn breaking Kurt's heart again.

Kurt fell for Sam. Sam made all the right moves, said all the right things, made Kurt fall for him hard and then it turns out Sam wasn't even gay. And he also liked Quinn.

"That girl is trouble for your love life." Mercedes sighed.

And those were just the boys Mercedes knew about.

There was also Blaine Anderson. Sweet, understanding Blaine from Dalton. Kurt had dated him for a month before finding out that he was the 'other woman'.

And finally David Karofsky. The boy had outed himself to Kurt by kissing him one day. Kurt had kissed him back. Kurt was completely convinced that all the hardships he had went through, all the broken hearts were just leading up to a life with David. For two weeks they would kiss, talk, and were happy, but one day David didn't come back to school. His phone was off. His Facebook deactivated and his family had moved out of town.

In Kurt's locker was a letter from David telling him how sorry he was, but that he couldn't be with Kurt. He admitted to being gay, but wasn't in love with Kurt like he had thought. His dad got a promotion and they were moving and wasn't quite sure how to tell Kurt.

Of all of the boys and heartbreak David's hurt the most. After that Kurt simply resigned himself to being lonely and single until New York. Maybe he would have better luck there.

Kurt simply sighed and continued walking with Mercedes.

"Let's get ice cream."

A few feet away a boy on a skateboard crashed into a wall and landed flat on his back. His friend walked up to him slowly.

"You okay?" Oz asked.

Xander looked up at the sky dazed.

"I think I just saw an angel."

-Time skip-

"You are both being completely ridiculous." Harry scowled.

"But Harry-"

"We just-"

"Want you-"

"To be happy." They finished together.

"And I _am_ happy. I even joined a club." Harry pointed out.

The twins just looked at him.

"I'm fine. Really." Harry sighed. The twins didn't look convinced but they let him be. Harry had only just gotten his heart shattered by their sister of course. The cheating, lying, bint.

Harry shut his locker, turned and stared. Fred and George followed his gaze to…a boy? A pretty one at that walking with one of the glee kids.

"Who is that?" Harry asked breathlessly.

Fred and George smirked.

"Don't worry. We will find out."

-Time skip-

"But Gaaarrraaaa." Naruto whined.

"No."

"Pleeassseee?"

"No."

"But but but."

"I will end your existence."

"You really need to lighten up." Naruto pouted and poked Gaara in the side.

Gaara didn't even bother to glare. He was too busy staring at something, or should I say someone? He reached up and touched his scar.

"Something wrong?" Naruto asked.

Gaara merely brushed his fingers over his scar, his eyes trained on a well-dressed and beautiful boy. He shook his head.

"Nothing."

-Time skip-

Kurt had gotten a look at all of the new boys and Mercedes was wrong, they were much more attractive than she had led him to believe. Not that it mattered considered Kurt thought all of them were completely straight.

No matter how much Brittany squealed about dolphins and twincest.

Kurt had encountered a few of them. The twins for example, Oz, and Naruto. The twins loved playing pranks on members of the glee club, but had for some reason steered clear of Kurt. Kurt didn't think it was homophobia either considering sometimes they would put on a tame homoerotic show for Brittany much to her pleasure. Oz had joined the glee club, he didn't sing much but he was pretty good with his guitar and for some odd reason lighting. Naruto was very…touchy feely. Even though he was Kurt's height he simply loved swinging the dark haired boy up into bear hugs. He still didn't think Naruto was gay, but more that he was comfortable in his skin and simply didn't give a shit which gender Kurt wanted to screw.

He had yet to meet Xander, Gaara, and Harry, but he figured it was only a matter of time.

-Time skip-

The day Kurt hated most in the world was here.

Valentine's Day.

5 almost boyfriends and Kurt hadn't had one single valentine. Ever. Only the girls ever gave him gifts and honestly Kurt just did not want to be in school today, but his dad had made him go.

All day he got to see people kissing, hugging, giving flowers and candy and and and…Kurt wanted that. Kurt wanted all of that.

Now the day was over and it was time for glee. No doubt the boys would sing to their significant others, the girls would have stars and sparkles in their eyes and Kurt would have to sit awkwardly and watch all of this going on around him. Watch. Never included.

Oz walked into the room clearly annoyed. He carried an armful of presents. Puck laughed.

"Dude it looks like you were mauled by girls today."

Oz frowned.

"These arent for me." He walked up to Kurt and dropped it on the table in front of him.

Kurt stared.

"These are for Kurt." Oz looked at him now vaguely amused, "I was ambushed on the way here. Apparently, you are too intimidating to approach."

He then walked away, sat down, and pulled out his guitar.

The rest of the glee club stared at the presents in front of Kurt.

"This is a joke right?" Kurt turned to Oz. Oz merely raised an eyebrow. Kurt reached for the first present a medium box. Inside of it was an adorable light blue bear, when he squeezed it 'as long as your mine' from wicked played. Kurt gaped.

The girls' awwed.

He looked in the box again and on the bottom was a note.

Kurt,

I know we haven't really officially met, but Oz keeps calling me a pussy in his silent way and to say something. I like you. Like a lot so if you don't like me that's okay. But you know, since we haven't really officially met and all I would at least like to take you on a date before you pass judgment on me.

Xander

"It's from Xander."

"No way!" Rachel snatched the note and squealed. "Oh this is so romantic! Just like the time Finn and I-"

"No one cares about you! Open the next present Kurt!" Santana demanded.

Kurt reached for the next present and unwrapped it slowly. Inside was a beautifully sculpted glass rose.

Another chorus of 'awws' rang around the room. He pulled out another note.

Kurt Hummel,

I've never felt these types of emotions before. Naruto tells me they greatly resemble a crush. Since, it has yet to dissipate, I am inclined to believe that they could be love or some sort of pre-form of it. I would like to fully explore these emotions with you.

Gaara Subaku

Kurt squeaked.

"This one is from Gaara." Mercedes snatched the note from his hand this time and read it out loud to the others and a chorus of wolf whistles followed it. Kurt blushed and grabbed the note.

"This…they can't be serious."

"They are." Oz strummed his guitar once before frowning dissatisfied at the sound it made.

"Xander has been driving me nuts about you since the first time he laid eyes on you."

"But Gaara-"

"If Naruto hadn't of told him that stalking you is not how to convey affections he would have been doing so."

Kurt's face flushed.

"Open the last one." Brittany squealed.

Kurt bit his lip and opened the last present the scent of chocolate filled the room. Inside were prettily wrapped homemade chocolates and another letter.

Dear Kurt,

The twins say I am a coward, and honestly I feel as if they are right. Not long before moving here I was in a horrid relationship, that ended terribly and I swore to never love again due to the pain it has caused me. When I laid my eyes on you for the first time, I felt as if I couldn't keep that promise. I'm not going to say that what I feel for you is love. It is simply far too soon to declare it so, but for these past few months I have been watching you. (and not in a stalkerish way I promise). I admire your ambitiousness, your tenacity, your beauty; honestly, I could go on and on. You are simply far too much for words. I admire you Kurt Hummel. I would like to take you on a date. If, you do not wish to I understand. I simply wish for you to know my feelings. I hope you enjoy the chocolates I made.

Sincerely,

Harry James Potter

"wow." Tina whispered.

Kurt looked at the letter and then at the other gifts. He turned to Oz.

"Are they really serious about this?" he bit his lip.

Oz nodded.

Kurt took a deep breath.

"Now the question is 'which one do you choose?'" Rachel said.

In all honesty, Kurt wasn't sure if he could.

-Time skip-

It had been three days since Valentine's Day and neither of the boys had heard a single word from Kurt. The three boys lounged in Harry's living room.

"Why are you guys depressed?" Xander asked.

"My valentine never replied." Harry said sadly.

"hn. Mine either."

"Huh. I guess we are all in the same boat." Xander frowned unhappily.

If you couldn't tell my dear readers, the boys had no idea they all have the same valentine in mind.

"I asked Kurt Hummel on a date." Harry blushed.

Xander sat up.

"I asked Kurt on a date."

Gaara glared at both boys and they all looked at each other.

All hell was about to break loose.

Oz walked in and promptly walked out.

"Oz!"

Oz was _not_ running. He was far too cool for that which was probably why Xander caught him and threw him over his shoulder and threw him on the couch.

"Explain." All three boys eyed each other and then him.

Oz sighed.

"All of you gave me presents to give to Kurt. I did. He liked them all."

"So why hasn't he contacted one of us?" Harry asked slightly hurt, but mostly confused.

"Because three _friends_ gave him gifts." Xander answered for Oz in understanding. "And choosing one of us would definitely be of the bad."

"He will choose none of us then?" Gaara frowned. "Why?"

"I guess he's afraid of breaking up our friendship or causing any awkwardness." Harry murmured.

"I see no problem here. He does not have to choose. He simply has to accept all of us." Gaara nodded his mind completely made up.

"What?" Harry and Xander frowned.

"Naruto tells me that it is okay to love more than one person. You can love more than one family member why can you not love more than one person romantically? I do not love either of you. I believe I may love Kurt, but if he chooses to love you two I see no problem with it as long as he loves me as well." he finished.

The other two boys stared at Gaara and then at each other in thought.

"I'm not the jealous type." Harry told Xander. Xander frowned.

"Do you really think we could all share him? Hell, do you think he would even want us all? We can't just make this decision for him."

"No, we can't," Harry nodded, "but we can ask him. If he does not want me I am willing to back down at any point of the relationship."

Xander paused and then nodded.

"Me too. As long as he wants me." They turned to Gaara who raised his eyebrow.

"hn."

"He's in."

-Time skip-

Kurt closed his locker with a sigh. Mercedes had been on his case for the past few days to talk to one of the boys. Kurt wasn't sure what to do. He was afraid of hurting any of them. Kurt knew what it was to be heartbroken.

But not replying was hurting them too.

"Can I walk you to class?" Kurt turned and stared into the vivid green eyes of Harry potter. Kurt blushed.

"Um. Okay?"

"French right?" Harry smiled.

"Yeah."

They walked in silence but before Kurt walk into the classroom Harry stopped him.

"Kurt. Xander, Gaara, and I didn't know about each other. We talked and." Harry paused, "we don't have much time left. Can you meet me after glee in the home ec kitchens? Our club was cancelled for the day."

Kurt bit his lip and nodded.

"Sure."

-After school-

Kurt walked into the classroom and paused.

"Um…"

Gaara, Xander and Harry were there waiting for them. Harry gave him a sheepish smile.

Kurt looked at them.

"Okay, what exactly is this about?"

"Love us." Gaara said bluntly.

Kurt's mouth dropped open.

"What?!"

"What Gaara's trying to say is that we all like you, and we would like to date you. We know that we kind of put you in an awkward place so we aren't going to make you choose between us. We just ask that you give us a chance. All of us."

"You are asking me to be in a polygamous relationship." Kurt said slowly. This could not be happening.

"No, well yes," Xander paused in thought," actually I guess we are kind of like your harem. We don't want each other that way, we just want you."

"Harem?!" he squeaked.

"You are not taking this as well as I had hoped. Are we really that unappealing to you?" Gaara asked staring into Kurt's eyes intently.

"No. it's just…I never thought something like this would ever happen to me. Ever." He took a breath and looked at each of them. They looked at him hopefully.

"This this is serious. All three of you want me? Really?" he asked unsurely. He desperately didn't want to get hurt again.

Xander approached him first. The lost look on the other boy's face was heartbreaking.

"Kurt, all of us genuinely care for you." He cupped his cheek and Kurt focused on Xander's sincere brown eyes, "just give us a chance. All of this is on your terms. If you don't like me I won't ever bother you again. Both Gaara and Harry feel the same way."

Kurt took a deep shaky breath.

"okay." Another break and finally a small, but happy smile.

"okay." He said more surely looking at each of them in turn.

Maybe, this could work.

Next Installment: The boys convince their respective teams and the school that Kurt is epically awesome. Brittany forms a we love yaoi club.


	2. Chapter 2

For the sake of this story Puck and Finn were suspended from the football team for doing something stupid.

I do not own BTVS, Glee, Naruto and whatever else might appear in this fic

Chapter 2

That weekend Kurt went on three dates. Friday night he was with Xander, Saturday night was with Harry and Sunday night Gaara.

-Monday morning with Xander-

"Dude! I heard you asked out Hummel." Random football player number one said.

"I did." Xander shrugged.

Everyone in the locker room froze.

"Like out out? Like a _date_?" some asked shocked.

"Yep." Xander grinned, "It was pretty awesome too."

"What'd you do paint your finger nails?" someone snorted.

The look Xander gave him made him shut his mouth quickly and face away.

"Actually no. we ate pizza and played call of duty."

Random football player number two gaped.

"Bullshit!"

"I bullshit you not and it was his idea."

"So what you taught him or something right?"

"Yeah right," Xander snorted, "he whooped my ass."

"No!"

"Yes," Xander nodded, "he whooped my ass, pulled out a fingernail file and said this is why he didn't play these types of games often. He is just too good."

The boys in the locker room gaped.

"I can't believe it. Hummel, really?" football player number one shook his head.

"Really really and I'm pretty sure it was _the_ hottest thing I have ever seen."

"I wish my girlfriend would play with me." One of the guys mumbled. All the guys nodded and mumbled in agreement.

And that's how the football team of McKinley realized that Kurt was in fact a male.

Xander left soon after and before the locker room cleared out Britney bounced in with a sign up sheet and began spouting something about dolphins, yaoi and a new confidential email newsletter. Most of the boys just looked at her strangely and left but three of them came back blushing and signed up.

Britney grinned.

-With Harry-

"Is it true Harry? You went on a date with Kurt Hummel?" One of the girls in the cooking club pouted.

Harry merely blushed and nodded, but continued frosting his cake.

"I didn't know you were gay." Another of the girls frowned.

Harry shook his head.

"Gender does not matter to me. Only personality."

"Oh!" One of the many other girls perked up. "Well how was it? What did you two do?"

Most of the girls crowded around and the few that didn't began to listen closely. Harry blushed darkly and smiled shyly. Those who witnessed it held in their squeals. Harry was absolutely adorable.

"Well, I invited him over for dinner." Harry smiled, "but Fred and George ruined it."

"Aw."

"Actually, it turned out alright. Kurt was a bit early, and he decided to help me cook. I've never actually cooked a romantic dinner with someone before."

Harry remembered the shy smiles and quiet laughs they shared and blushed again.

"How did it turn out?"

"Kurt is a very good cook." Harry brightened. "We are actually going to exchange a few recipes next time."

"Another dinner date?" A girl squealed.

"Actually, a picnic. His idea."

"Awwww." Just like that all of the girls were won over.

As soon as Harry left Britney walked in. When she explained about the newsletter the girls of the cooking club couldn't sign fast enough.

-with Gaara and the drama club-

"A date with Kurt?" Someone scoffed. "That's a joke right?"

The twins intervened before Gaara realized that the person was trying to be insulting.

"But don't you see it?" George started.

"The two social outcasts." Fred said in a stage whisper.

"Both on different sides of the spectrum."

"The romance." Fred stressed.

"The emotional trials." They glanced down at Gaara pointedly. He didn't notice.

"The drama." They finished together.

Now the entire drama club was listening.

"Well, how did it go?" someone spoke up after awhile.

"I had meant to take him out somewhere, but the place was closed. The head chef was sick." Gaara frowned, "by then it was too late to get reservations anywhere nice."

The drama club deflated.

"But-," they perked up again, "Kurt suggested we grab a few snacks and go somewhere secluded."

Gaara paused and they held their breath.

"We watched the stars. We talked well into the night but before he left…" An indecipherable look crossed Gaara's face, and he reached up and touched the scar on his forehead, "he kissed my scar."

The drama club looked at him puzzled.

"Your scar?" why would Kurt kiss Gaara's disfigurement. Well it was kind of romantic. Sorta.

"My scar…is kanji," Gaara paused again, "for love."

Needless to say the entire drama club signed Britney's newsletter sign up form.

-With Naruto-

"Dude we stink." One of the hockey players complained. They had gotten crushed. Naruto was their star player, but even he couldn't be everywhere.

"We just need some motivation." Naruto shook his head.

"Winning isn't motivation enough?" one of the players asked.

Naruto shook his head vigorously.

"Of course not! We need something we can all agree on something to rally behind. True strength comes from something we hold precious. Like our precious people!"

"Precious…people?"

"Yeah, like your mom or your sister or your girlfriend."

"Dude we can't pick one of them. Just think of the fights." And boy wasn't that strange coming from a hockey player.

Naruto paused.

"Then we've got to pick someone else. Someone not related to one of us I guess."

"We can pick a cheerleader." Someone piped up.

Naruto nodded.

"That sounds good. No sisters or girlfriends though. I guess we need to get a list."

One boy reached in his bag and pulled out a dossier on all of the cheerleaders.

Everyone stared.

"Dude…where did you get that?"

"Cheerleaders are hot."

All of them nodded in agreement.

Naruto grabbed the folder.

"Quinn?"

"No!"

"Santana?"

"No!"

"Britney?"

"Dude, hell no. Most of the guys here have banged her."

"Okay okay. Next up is…Kurt?"

"Kurt?" A few of the boys chorused confused. They all turned to the boy who gave them the files.

"Kurt was a cheerleader." He shrugged.  
>"Kurt's a guy."<p>

"I know that, but look don't lie and say you haven't looked at his ass before. It's even better than Britney's and she's been in dance classes since she was 7."

The locker room was quiet.

"No one has dated him."

"He's the school queer!"

"He's also like the bravest kid I know. I was on the football team with him before. He didn't take shit from any of them."

"He does have some pretty awesome comebacks sometimes." Somebody mumbled.

"He's strong too. I used to be apart of the dumpster dives."

"The what?!" Naruto shouted outraged.

"We stopped! He came back with some muscles after one summer man, besides I kind of respect him a bit." A hockey player mumbled. After karofsky left none of them felt pressured to bully Kurt anymore besides the kid had been through enough…and he was kind of scary sometimes when he got mad.

Naruto let it go for now but if any of them started bullying again he would deal with them personally.

"Okay so he's brave, pretty, strong, and respected." Naruto listed off on his fingers.

"Smart too." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Does anybody have any objections making him our motivation?"

There was silence.

"We can't just call him our motivation. That's weird." Someone said.

"What about or driving force?"

"Weirder."

"Our mascot?"

"No."

"Our queen?" They all paused.

"Well, he is royalty. He won junior prom."

"But I feel like I might get punched."

"What about princess?" Someone asked.

"I dare you to call him that to his face."

"We can call him hime." Naruto said. "It means princess in Japanese. Its not like he'll know what it means."

"All in agreement say aye. Those who oppose say nay."

Ayes rang around the room.

Naruto's eyes narrowed determinedly.

"This isn't a game anymore. This is no longer just for us. Every single match for now on will be for our princess, our hime! We can't fail! We can't let him down! We need to make him proud! For our hime! For the princess!"

"FOR THE PRINCESS!" The McKinley hockey team raised their fists in the air in new found determination.

From now on they would win, for their precious hime, for Kurt.

About half the boys signed up for the newsletter…including Naruto.

-Friday-

Kurt was having a strange day. In fact, he was having a strange week. People had been approaching him all week. The girls in the cooking club had given him cookies and an invite to go the mall with them. Random guys, all jocks now that he thought about it, kept coming up and asking him advice on the strangest things and even walking him to class a time or two much to his extreme bewilderment.

It didn't end there either the drama club had taken to following him around and asked for an interview…something about a new play they were writing. And finally, now this took the cake, he had been given an invite to join a few of the boys in the school for an online shooter gaming session tonight.

Kurt stared down at the invite. It was an actual printed invite with a password to join the group and everything.

"Dude…" Finn said lowly in awe "I think you're popular."

Kurt let out a small squeak of shock.

AN: All done my dear readers. I am actually surprised I updated this so soon. It just came to me! I was actually in the final fantasy 7 fandom all weekend…expect one of those fics too or maybe a walking dead humor story

Naruto…don't you think Kurt is going to ask someone what hime means?


End file.
